TESTING
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
How many of us have read this scripture and didn’t realize it was meant to encourage the Israelites to stop resisting God and to obey Him in accepting that they are going to be in exile for 70 years? In a foreign land under a foreign king, who was called God’s servant. In this world we live in, it’s easy to want to resist and fight when we are in uncomfortable positions, under pressures from every side. And yet, God told the Israelites to get comfortable – build houses, plant produce, have families, increase in number, seek the peace and prosperity of the land they are in, and live. Like really live. Not live the life they knew before, not go back to the place they had destroyed by their own hands, the one where they wandered and were drowning in their sin, unrepentant in their hard hearts. They had long abandoned the God they knew before and chose to make themselves god, chose to follow after their own hearts and decided that they were fine doing so because they wouldn’t be destroyed because God was their backup option.
And when the rug was swept out from under them, they fell hard. They couldn’t believe that anything like that would ever happen to them. Yet that is the deception I understood for myself. I didn’t really know God. I was under the bondage of my own selfishness and lack of understanding. I was abandoned and alone. Here on this earth, I don’t feel at home. I feel uncertainty. Insecurity. Turmoil. I know what it is like to wander in the dark and not even realize how dark it is.
Then, You came. You tested me. You asked me to lay down what I once knew. I struggled to accept it. You tested me, more than most can imagine, and I soon began to understand the word testing. Every step of this journey with You, has been one test after the other. I’ve made it 10 years to the day I said YES to you. 10 years has somehow morphed into what feels like an eternity, like there was scarcely a time before I met You face-to-face yet merely a blip in my lifetime. That night, when You stepped in, shook My world, and changed the course of My future, that night was just the beginning. I know now that faith isn’t just one time thing, it’s not just an experience, it’s a testing – of my will and control.
That’s what He was doing with the Israelites. He wanted to see how they would respond to testing. Would they choose to embrace the life they would have to live ahead of them, in the midst of the unknown, let it challenge everything they’ve ever known, shake it, and reshape it? Would they look for how He would move in spite of them being in a foreign land and how they would be apart of that plan?
If I could see what’s in front of me, it wouldn’t be called faith. As I sit here and remember that night 10 years ago, on my knees in tears, finally understanding that I was never abandoned, that I had a Father who loves me, that I could find strength, and I would choose to go all in, knowing full well what I would be laying down under the Cross – the version of me would scarcely fathom to what was to come. Because faith in Him, isn’t based on merely human elements, it was birthed under pressure, refined to resolved to keep fighting.
I’ve had valleys of darkness to climb out of and mountain top moments where I experienced miracles beyond my imagination. He has sustained me in ways I still have yet to uncover. What He sparked and awoke within me that night, could not have anticipated what He would fuel and provoke within me in the years to come. If I chose to stay cemented in what I once knew, I would never have known what I do now. The world we live in, isn’t meant to be a permanent home. We are in exile, but not as punishment, but actually that we might live. That others might know that He is God. That I may know that He is God. It can be easy for me to get tunnel vision regarding my own life and miss the big picture.
But God.
In the last year alone, I’ve learned how to actually give this fire away with a fresh passion for Your word. I’ve learned to sing songs of praise through my heart language, the tongue I was born in. I’ve started to see the Gospel with new vision, in ways I have yet to be able to put to words. I’ve begun to not be moved by the chaos of the world around me, but rather choosing taking it with a stride of trust in You. Situations around me are now beginning with “What is Your will here, Lord? How are you moving? How can I trust you to move?” All because You are teaching me to live, to truly live.
Oh Lord, all my words fall short, for what do I have to give to my King? All I have is gratitude. Thank You for not giving up on me. Thank you for being the God who stays, shatters my anxieties, provides for my every need especially when my faith is weak. Thank you for being close. For ushering peace and faith into situations that still yet seem hopeless. You are the safest place for me to be. Thank You for being a refuge and place of security. For lifting me up out of situations time and again and into faithfulness. My redeemer, my friend. It’s unbelievable the journey You’ve taken me on.
Help me when I question You, when I fight You, when I lose sight of You, when my mind and heart get fixated on what isn’t true, when I disobey You, when I forget that I am owned by You. Thank You for redeeming me and making me a remnant in this world that is not my home. Help me do Your will and to lay down my ideas. Even if this isn’t home, I don’t want to be resisting to how You want to move amongst its peoples. Help me really live as You have asked – I don’t want to waste it.
It’s been just a delight to follow You. And I know we are just getting started. What You have in store for me is beyond my wildest dreams. This is when the real journey begins. So I brace myself for the testing to come.
Here’s to the next 10 years with You my Lord.