When I began year 23 on this earth, I was in the valley. The entire weight of the world felt on my shoulders and I felt as if I was in a place I did not belong. After graduation, everything in my life felt like it was spinning out of control. I was not where I wanted to be and I didn’t even know who I was anymore. It was a season of heavy unbelief in my life, unbelief in my identity, in my security, in my purpose, and I was even at a point of unbelief in God. I was at a crossroad in my faith journey, a place where it was time to decided which voices I was going to listen to and believe.
Thus I embarked on a spiritual journey in the valley of decision. A valley from which I had to climb out of, for it was depleting all that I am as if I was stuck between walls caving in. I felt like I had forgotten who I was. My whole life has been this giant roller coaster, with hard climbs and stomach drop plunges that seem more common than a straightforward path. I knew my story would never be a simple one because my history tells me that. I knew I wanted to live a life of excitement and adventure, yet I had lost sight of that in the midst of the uncomfortability of my circumstances. I had lost sight of who I was created to be. I had forgotten that I was never promised a life of ease. Honestly, I had to realize that I would never have a straightforward life, a cute house, a perfect family with a white picket fence and a 9-5 job was definitely out of the question. Besides, to leave a legacy, who would want to blend right in with everyone else, right?
So, after having a massive meltdown right before my birthday, I knew something had to change. I had to change. I might have lost all sense of control but I had to chose what to do next, who I would choose to become. I laid myself bear before God and a friend on that day and had a decision to make: if everything was stripped away, if I had nothing at all, if I lost all control, would I still believe that my God is good and is out for my good?
In spite of everything I had already been through, did I want God more than anything else, anyone else or did I want the things I desired more than God? Would I want them if God wasn’t really in or for them?
Emotions bear, eyes raw from tears, heart tired from anxiety, a sudden wave of conviction hit. I knew in that moment, I had committed such idolatry in my heart, wanting a sense of control in my life more than Jesus as my all. My own pride had gotten in the way of really listening. I realized I was in a cycle of nailing Jesus on that Cross over and over again because I was too scared to trust Him in fully resurrected form. How does one truly walk by faith, even when they cannot see? I kept hearing from everyone around me that His plans were to prosper me, but how could I believe that when I couldn’t see it? How could I believe it when I felt like nothing had changed in the last 365 days? I felt like Job, stripped of all good things in my life, left out in the cold. My mind had reeked havoc, my thoughts didn’t line up with His.
I know from my history, that PEACE was a promise He kept. Yet I had forgotten that too. “Though He slays me, yet will I hope in Him,” Job confesses in chapter 13 of his story. Too often I think my prayers have to be answered instantaneously. But that’s not in God’s track record. He answers when it’s the proper time for me to receive the response. I know He can and will do all things, no plan of His could ever be thwarted. So I took it upon year 23 to strip it all back and rebuild. Did I want it if He wasn’t in it? Who would I be if I only had Jesus?
I let Him wash over me with peace and heard Him say, “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no human mind has conceived the things I have prepared for you. Not anyone, no even YOU! In this time of uncertainty, I am doing a work to uncover the truth about the deep, rooted lies you have come to believe.” Not even me. For this reason, I embarked on a spiritual journey, choosing to daily evaluate my thoughts and circumstances with the thought in mind, “What am I believing and what do I NEED to hear from Jesus? What is the truth?” The goal was to allow the process of renewal of the mind to be taken to a practical level.
Today, as I write these words, after 365 days of deliberately choosing faith over fear, it is obvious my thinking has changed. My core beliefs of who I am do not always stand in strong defense against the lies of that devil who seeks to destroy me daily. I can’t say that it was an overnight thing. It often required rereading the list over and over, whenever I felt like I was losing sight of what was truth and some truths I need to hear multiple times. Examining your heart is a beautiful thing. The choice daily to listen to the right voices is difficult, but rewarding. It wasn’t easy but this journey launched me forward into truly enjoying my life and not allowing my joy to hinge on my circumstances.
So, thank you year 23, by the grace of God, for pushing me forward, for reminding me who I was created to be, for new vision, for deeper friendships, for testing and growing me. Thank you for activating me in faith, for causing me to believe in who I was meant to be, for enticing me into walking out in trust. For healing, restoring, and rebuilding me into a more disciplined, more confident, and more genuinely alive woman. For drawing out my vulnerability and honesty, causing others to feel invited to be themselves too. For allowing me to radiate strength with an all-in attitude that I had lost track of. Thank you for awakening me unto life. Twenty-four, I can’t wait for what you have in store.